affection

a medias

aye bebé mira como lloras
pidiendo comida, abrazos, para ahora
así también yo lloro por la noche
pidiendo abrazos y amor sin reproche
Y tu no entiendes nada, asi te quedas
Tal como tu, asi me quedo, a medias.

 

Oh baby if only you could see yourself cry
Asking for food, hugs, for this moment
I cry too at night
Asking for hugs and love without reproach
You don’t understand anything, and you stay like that
Just like you, I stay, halfway

 

10.23.18- Although many of you don’t speak Spanish, writing in my first language never felt so good. The translation is a direct translation so it won’t have the same effect but I wanted to include you 🙂 – xo kei

purpose

I wake and I step down to the bathroom
I wash my face and wash the tears from the night before
I brush my teeth and try and clean away the hurt
I look in the mirror and see what’s left of me
I’m everything I tried to avoid
My care for myself has vanished and the little that I do have is being diminished
Because what’s the point?
I’m empty and numb and obsess for being wanted
I paint my face with popular crayons
I burn my hair so much that my natural curls have given up
I pant so hard so my body could be sculpted into what they want
But what about what I want?
I’m empty because I could never be enough
Whether it’s to my parents or my friends or even ex-lovers
I stand empty because of what I cannot give them
I crouch and cry because of what I cannot give God
So then what’s my purpose if I stand with guilt and shame for what I cannot do for others
And for what I cannot do for myself?
What then do I do?

I live.
I live for those who can’t.
I walk for the veterans who have lost their limbs.
I listen to others for those who don’t.
I love others for those who can’t and for those too hurt to love.
I pray for those who can’t pray for themselves.
I live. I try.
So I will. I’ll go. I’ll do it.
I will do the things that I love and show it to others
I’ll hug, kiss, love.
I’ll show affection and take my time with it.
I’ll say yes to what I know makes me happy, not what brings me down.
I’ll say yes to the people that make me whole again, that make me see what I don’t.
Whether they’re far away or right next to me, I’ll keep them close.
It’s simplicity that I’ve been missing out on:
Love and kindness to others and myself.
So I’ll do it.
I will do the things that make the edge of my mouth rise up like the waves I long to surf.

 

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I wrote this piece over a year ago in June 2017. I wasn’t sure of who I was becoming, of who I was, or who I wanted to be. I was unhappy and stuck in the black hole of “what ifs” and “poor me”‘s. Funny how life cycles, because I’m in that boat again. Not knowing if I’m doing the right thing, not knowing how I am. So what then?

I try. So that’s what I’ll be doing. Trying. Trying to breathe continuously, trying to enjoy the present and trying to be the best person I deserve to be. Won’t happen overnight, but at least I’ll be trying. Here’s to the first steps, cheers to my melancholy.

xo-kei